Future Taxi Company Owner and Wannabe Space Colonizer Threatens to Put His Grubby Paws on D&D

Elon Musk, a South African immigrant to the US has threatened to buy Hasbro, the parent company of Wizards of the Coast. Dungeons & Dragons is already facing a tough time, but this aligns with Musk’s recent business philosophy of acquiring dying brands and making them even more dying. Elon posted the message “How much is Hasbro?” on X, the Everything app, which after a user exodus to Bluesky only holds value because multiple adult-themed websites are lined up to buy the domain from the professional edgelord.

Not everything Elon acquires turns to shit, but its not for the lack of trying as he recently announced that he is turning his popular car brand Tesla into a cab company with the launch of the Cybercab, a very small and impractical car with no stearing wheel. This was an idea he got while playing the arcade game Crazy Taxi by himself in the $35M compound he bought for his 11 kids and their mothers after watching a documentary about the Waco Siege and thinking it looked cool. Elon is the number one ranked Crazy Taxi player on his Crazy Taxi arcade machine. He is also best Diablo 4 player in the galaxy, and its definitely him playing and not a team of SpaceX interns who are paid in meme coins and ketamine.

In Hasbro’s recent Q3 earnings report, it was revealed that Dungeons & Dragons isn’t performing well. Many speculate that the brand’s future will grow even bleaker once the Baldur’s Gate 3 hype fades and the final season of Stranger Things airs next year. Both properties contributed significantly to the game’s recent boom which got off to a flying start during the pandemic, but the momentum appears to be waning. It’s surely nothing that massive layoffs and AI can’t fix, two things that both Musk and leadership at Hasbro are very fond of. “Dungeons and Dragons fans also love AI, and there has never been any backlash against the use of AI in WOTC products,” said Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks while staring me rabidly in the eyes while holding a shank he made from compressed Magic: The Gathering cards and melted Monopoly game pieces.

It remains to be seen if Chris Cocks will give up his position as CEO of Hasbro in the case of an acquisition or if there is room for two Cocks in the company.